Sunday, June 21, 2015

Hostel Life

I re-entered this hostel life a little over a month ago. I forget how much I love living in community, sharing space, always being around love and laughter and voices and beer. It's wonderful. It's also wonderful to listen to the travelers' stories of adventure and discovery. I can't believe some of them take MONTHS of time off at a time. Some of them are even on holiday for a year. I envy their freedom. When things get settled in my new phase of life, I definitely want to take some serious time off. I want to explore the world and see so much before I die. The idea that I have a time is running out, that I have a time limit on this earth keeps coming up in my head. I see older, elderly women walk around without the strength and agility I so clearly take for granted and I wonder, if youth is wasted on the young, then what am I doing with my energy?? I need to explore! I need to roam!! I need to love and touch and feel everything I can before my body ages and lets go with time. Sad thought but also so much hope in taking this truth in.

Here is my bucket list of places I'd like to see/things I'd like to do when life settles down and I get to travel again:

-Thailand (for two months)
-back pack the El Camino in Spain
-spend a week in the Caribean
-Brazil and the Amazon
-swim in a tank with bloody meat to see sharks in Australia
-I want to see a Kangaroo face to face
-Horseback ridding EVERYWHERE
-Party in Belgium
-hike the Pacific Crest Trail
-back country hike in Wyoming
-hike through Mongolia
-Dance at a club in Tokyo


It's been a tough journey with this story. I wrote the love story of Tina and Amber as a short film when I felt inspired by a couple of amazing actors I met. It was a whirlwind of a journey. I learned a lot. The short film didn't work out the way I planed so I let it go and tried to move on. But the story of these two women and their unique connection to one another really struck me and filled me with so much hope. I already wrote their story in feature length format. But that's still not enough. I need more with them, more time, more experiences. There is so much within I need to purge with these two amazing characters and so I've decided to write it in novel format.

Writing a visual experience in a novel format is quite the task. I can't leave everything to interpretation because they're never going to see it. I have to describe it. It's definitely a new way of showing and not telling. Novel format does, however feel so much more intimate. I feel so much more connected to the characters and their journey. I feel, like I have the space to adequately love these characters and give them full reign. Letting go of the short film and moving on from my filmic expectations and begging of God for grace is making this so.
And so now I'm hitting Celtex again (my writing software) and I'm filled with more ideas. I'm exploring, on my walk up the hills of San Francisco, what being in a marriage in my late thirties must feel like. I'm using my imagination to deeply consider the weight of having a child with another person and the kind of attachment that builds with another human being. I'm also reconsidering what betrayal feels like when it's with someone you've built so much with. Exploring a marriage over the course of 25 years is a huge feat but I love it - especially between these two. They are so different visually, ethnically, spiritually, emotionally, that they clearly depict how different we truly are from each other. They are also completely enamored by the other, which I hope conveys that universal love experience too. 

I saw this painted on a wall along 16th. My caption??? "Says Tina forever....." Tina's affection is radical love, unconditional, unadulterated, pure, divine and deep, but not easily seen. Amber's love is lavish, complicated, thick, able to sneak into every crack in Tina's wall and all powerful. 

So here is to hours of writing and pages of words that hopefully convey all of these mighty divine love I feel and experience inside.  Grateful to God :)

Saturday, June 20, 2015

Looking up at who we are

Self love has been a big theme in my life lately. Maybe because self hatred is everywhere and it's so hard to truly embrace something so close. I think a lot of the discord in our relationships and life experiences stem from our lack of self love. Check out this project I ran with the kids and how they described themselves.

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

I miss this place...

Lunch time.
It's so strange how a place can make me feel so trapped and so liberated at the same time. Perhaps that's what transformation needs ~ roots and the ability to see more.

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Rodeo Beach

Is perfect <3

Sexuality in Asia

A friend took me to the Asian Art Museum for the first time when it was exhibiting it's selection on Japanese Seduction. I was really surprised to discover the androgyny commonly found in a lot of the art, especially in the depictions on beauty. See, right above? I'm sure that's a man dancing. And the features on a lot of these drawings are, from a glance, feminine. But if you take a good look you'll see that men adorn those robes and that their features are large and plump. It's interesting how times and cultures change. This museum is massive and exceptionally large. It's definitely an all day excursion, if you want to go :) 

The Way of the Knife

I picked up this book in the clearance section at Alexander Books off second street. Now that I've begun writing my own novel ;) and I'm reading for inspiration I've developed an affinity for award winning books. If other people can commend it with an award, then it must be good. And I want to understand the criteria for award winning writing because judging writing, like judging art in general, can be different for each person, genre, etc. But I picked up this book because it won the Pulitzer and particularly more so because it was about the CIA in the Iraqi war.

After peeling back a few chapters and becoming completely horrified by what I discovered, I realized I don't have the stomach for politics. The big and horrendous decisions people have to make in order to keep others safe (who gets to decide) is crazy. It reminds me of Alan Turing and his story, about how these men had to decide who lives and who dies with the same kind of ease you move pieces on a chess board. It's crazy.

Although I find it hard to swallow, the truth about our world is terribly important. I don't want to be naive to what is truly happening. I'm already as sheltered as it is, being American. And so I read on. Hoping I can stand the unbearable truth of the knife.